I'm Forrest Carr, novelist, blogger, land snark, and former TV news director and talk radio host. I tackle politics, cats, the media, paranormal psychology, dreams, God, guns, evolution, rat bastards, and anything else that might make you think or laugh, maybe even simultaneously. And, oh yeah, I have cancer, which makes me the Walter White of bloggers. You have been warned.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Interview with a Martyr
barbaric attacks on the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo just
reminded us all of the following key fact.
More than bullets, guns, mortars, cannons, air strikes, or “boots on the
ground,” the forces of tyranny, intolerance and darkness fear the pen. While the use of police, soldiers and all
forms of lethal military force have little psychological effect on these mindless
fanatics other than to make them look forward to “martyrdom,” it’s the threat
of ridicule that has the murderous rats quaking in their blood-stained
boots. Those who would enslave us all in
the name of religion fear only our scorn, derision and laughter.
let them have some more of that. Plenty
Read the post below. Enjoy it.
Laugh out loud. Share it with your friends. Find other satirical posts like it—they’re
out there. Share them, too.
I added the French words “Je suis Charlie” to my blog, Facebook, and Twitter
account headers. I urge every person who
craves freedom and who despises the forces of religious enslavement--especially if you are a journalist, writer, news consumer or reader-- to do the same and then, having done so, to celebrate it and to urge others to do likewise. --Forrest Carr Je suis Charlie
with a Martyr” Gloomberg News Service
for immediate broadcast
It’s been one year since Taliban
operative Hassan al-Libi blew himself up in a suicide bombing attack in
Afghanistan, killing more than 30 men, women, and children. Recently al-Libi sat down with Gloomberg News
reporter Rip N. Reed for an exclusive interview.
Gloomberg News: Mr. al-Libi, thanks for agreeing to sit
down with us today. May I call you
tell us a bit about yourself. What’s the
30-second sketch of your life?
al-Libi: I was born in Buraydah, Saudi Arabia. My family grew dates. In 1989, I met Sheikh Osama bin Laden in
Riyadh. After he formed al-Qaeda, I
traveled with him to Pakistan.
Following his death, I fought alongside the Taliban. Last year, I decided my time had come for
martyrdom. I strapped on a bomb vest and
blew up a wedding party in Kandahar. The
target was a police commander, and his family and friends.
to me about why you joined the cause.
What is it you’re fighting for?
al-Libi: We will not rest until America has been driven from all
Islamic lands, Israel has been destroyed, and Islamic Law has been imposed
throughout the world.
News: If you achieve those goals, you’d put a stop to all modern
culture—books, movies, and music, and so on, I take it?
al-Libi: Yes. Those things are
you’d cover women from head to foot in burlap?
al-Libi: You jest. We do not
use anything so rough. But we would
cover them, yes.
News: Why is that?
al-Libi: Because the face of a woman is a source of corruption.
mean it sometimes gives rise to lustful thoughts.
know, in western culture, men have lustful thoughts, too. But they’re expected to deal with it. Can you see how forcing women to run around
in what basically amounts to little tents, in reaction to your inability to
handle your arousal, might seem in the eyes of some to be a little unfair? Misogynistic, even?
al-Libi: I am helpless before the law.
News: Okay. Hassan, let’s
turn to your career as a “freedom fighter,” as you call it. Were you known for anything in particular?
al-Libi: In the later years, I served as a courier for Sheikh
Osama. I also helped run al-Qaeda’s
website. You may have heard of my most
famous contribution, the article entitled “How to make a bomb in the kitchen of
News: You sound like you’re pretty proud of that.
al-Libi: I am. I know of at
least three people for whom it secured martyrdom.
News: Suicide bombers?
al-Libi: We prefer the term “martyrs.” But no, in this case, my brothers went to
their reward because of an accident.
News: An accident?
al-Libi: Yes. In my bomb
making instructions, I got two of the
steps out of order. But this in no way
lessens the value of their martyrdom.
And I quickly updated the web posting to fix the instructions.
News: So those three martyrs are up here with you? Have you seen them?
al-Libi: No, I have seen no one but my wives.
News: The 72 virgins?
News: So how is that working out for you?
al-Libi: To be honest, not exactly as I expected.
News: How so?
al-Libi: Well, my wives are very voluptuous. Wide, lovely eyes like pearls. Large, round breasts. Eternally young. Very beautiful. Exactly as promised.
News: And yet?
al-Libi: Well, you know, I was married once before. And like my earthly experience, with each
virgin, the wedding night is quite blissful.
But then after that, it sort of settles down into a routine. And I expected it to be different from what
I had experienced on Earth.
News: How is it not different?
al-Libi: Have you ever been married?
News: Yes, I am married now, in fact.
al-Libi: Does your wife tend to—how may I put this—remind you of
News: Remind me of things?
How do you mean?
al-Libi: You know. Impress
upon you the importance of doing things in a way she finds more pleasing.
News: Oh. You mean, “nag.”
Perhaps that is the word I am seeking.
News: Can you give me some examples?
al-Libi: Oh, certainly. “Wipe
your feet before coming indoors, Hassan.
Put a coaster under the water glass, Hassan. Don’t put your big, dirty feet on the
furniture, Hassan. Don’t sit down in the
grass and get stains on your robe, Hassan.
When are you going to take out the trash, Hassan. Put your dishes in the dishwasher,
Hassan. But rinse them first,
Hassan. Clean up your water spots on the
sink, Hassan. Put your dirty underwear
in the hamper, Hassan. When are you
going to take me for a picnic, Hassan.
You never bring me flowers, Hassan.”
News: I see your point.
al-Libi: Yes. Multiply that by
72, and you begin to get the picture.
News: Is it worth it? How’s
al-Libi: The sex is adequate, I guess. I can always perform, as promised. And yet it becomes—how can I put
News: You don’t sound particularly happy. Have you complained to the authorities?
al-Libi: Well, actually, I haven’t seen any.
News: No holy men? No other
News: Have you gone looking?
al-Libi: Well, I tried. My
palace and its surrounding gardens are beautiful, and provide everything a man
could want. But the garden wall is very
high. And I haven’t found a way to open
News: But since you’re a martyr, weren’t you promised the highest
form of Heaven? Aren’t there supposed to
be others here like you?
al-Libi: I admit it is a conundrum.
However, from my tower I can see, about a half mile outside my garden
wall, another palace, very much like mine.
I observe people going in and out all the time. So there are other holy men here.
News: What can you tell me about them?
al-Libi: Not much. They are very far away. They seem to be wearing white robes, not
unlike mine. But they are also wearing
some kind of hat, or maybe it’s a hood.
News: Can you describe the hoods?
al-Libi: I’m not sure. They
seem to come to a long point on top.
News: Actually, I’ve been over there. Would it surprise you to learn that the group
in that palace is made up of former Ku Klux Klansmen from America?
al-Libi: What? Really?
News: Yes. What looks like
a palace from here really is a very ornate university building. Every morning, the Klansmen file into class
and get chained to their desks. Then
they listen to lectures on civics, sociology, civil rights, tolerance, that
kind of thing.
al-Libi: You’re kidding.
No. And let’s pull this thread a
bit further. Are you a cleric, or a religious
al-Libi: Well, no.
Would it surprise you to know that many of those who are say that this
whole virgins-for-terrorists idea is a myth?
An elaborate lie, in fact? That
no one who commits suicide can enter paradise, under any circumstances?
al-Libi: Yet here I am.
Yes, here you are. Which leads to
my next question. Where did you get the
idea that the tenets of your faith—which has hundreds of millions of
peace-loving followers—required you to slaughter your way into paradise? Or even allowed
you to do so?
al-Libi: I would not phrase it that way.
Required you to become a “freedom fighter,” then.
al-Libi: Well, the Sheikh told me so.
And other leaders whom I trust.
News: Right. The same guys
who tell followers like you to strap on bombs and blow themselves up, along
with others, while these righteous men pat you on the back, stand back—way back—smile, give you a big “thumbs
up,” and enjoy the fireworks. Those guys?
al-Libi: Well, again, I would not put it that way.
News: But you did trust them.
News: And you never stopped to think that maybe they might be
putting one over on you? That perhaps
participating in the murder of innocents, or killing yourself in the pursuit of
it, is not something that entitles
you entry into paradise?
al-Libi: But, again, I would say to you, here I am.What
are you driving at?
News: Well, think about it.
You now face an eternity with 72 nagging wives. You can’t leave the compound. Your immediate neighbors are former white
supremacists who now have to listen to lectures on human equality, race
relations, and the brotherhood of man every day until the end of time. Does that sound like paradise to you?
al-Libi: You know, I think it’s time to conclude this interview. Your quarter hour is up.
News: You were under the impression that we’d only spend 15
minutes? I certainly apologize for that
al-Libi: You know, you remind me of why I and my fellow freedom fighters do not much like journalists. In fact we have made a point to kill them when we can. How much more time do you need?
News: The authorities promised me I could take as much time with
you as I want. I was thinking—I don’t
know—a couple of weeks. Maybe more.
al-Libi: A couple
That is a very large amount of time for anyone to have to spend with a
journalist. It seems very excessive.