Sick of Your Job? Sick of Your life? Try New Screuitol

There’s no need to suffer from that “don’t give a damn” attitude.  But product warnings apply.

Dispatches from the Future:  New drug commercials reflect government product disclaimer mandates.

May 25, 2031

Approved FDA compliant TV/radio commercial script—

Announcer voice over video of people in office, home, park, and garden settings, walking, talking, smiling, laughing, holding hands, smelling flowers, petting cats and dogs, etc.:

Do you sometimes feel like your life is hopeless, and you just want to chuck it all in?  If you think nothing can help, think again.  Many people can benefit from new Screuitol^®.

Each prescription-strength Screuitol^® capsule or tablet contains 10 mg of Heezondalam (amphetamine muzbeizphate), a sinatonin reuptake inhibitor, and 500 mg of Folderol (sodium wedonkarwudiate), a long-acting beta₄ reintake cosmoline agonist.  LABRCA medicines such as Folderol can increase the risk of immediate death from stroke, respiratory arrest, seizure, coma, septicemia, anaphylactic shock, meningitis, uncontrollable fevers, bronchopneumonia, cardiopulmonary arrest, pulmonary embolism, acute myocardial infarct, coagulopathy, intercerebral hemorrhage, esophageal rupture, massive hernia, congestive heart failure, liver failure, and renal failure. 

LABRCA medicines also have other known side effects, and have been associated with nervousness, drowsiness, excessive fatigue, suicidal thoughts, acid indigestion and heartburn, flatulence, belching, stomach cramps, nausea, vomiting, severe diarrhea, constipation, hives, bruising, night sweats, oral thrush, dry mouth, loss of appetite, frequent urination, sore throat, hoarseness, laryngitis, earache, ringing of the ears, hearing loss, blurred vision, cataracts, blindness, palpitations and tachycardia, cardiac arrhythmia, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, hot flashes, chills, uncontrollable shivering, bad breath, severe body odor, swollen eyes, swollen feet, swollen hands, swollen testicles, rheumatoid arthritis, back pain, shoulder pain, migraines, irrational speech, involuntary swearing, itching, flaky skin, dandruff, runny nose, bloody nose, bleeding from the ears and eyes, hyperventilation, cough, asthma, excessive thirst, appendicitis, weight gain, weight loss, fainting, narcolepsy, insomnia, out of body experiences, jaundice, partial or total paralysis, bleeding of the gums, mouth ulcers, fever blisters, loss of hair, toothaches, loss of teeth, brittle bones, nervous ticks, stuttering, drooling, skin lesions and running sores, boils, hypoglycemia, dizziness, visual and auditory hallucinations, tunnel vision, erectile dysfunction, confusion, irrational speech, alogia, aphasia, apraxia, panic disorder, euphoria, multiple personality disorder, paranoia, repetitive phrase disorder, sinus congestion, repetitive phrase disorder, birth defects, restless leg syndrome, tremors, memory loss, anorexia, bulimia, anemia, delirium, dementia, hemorrhoids, athlete’s foot, ringworm, acne, and hangnails.  This list of symptoms is not all-inclusive, and other side effects are possible.

Screuitol^® should be used only if your health care provider decides that your poor moods and lack of motivation have not been well controlled by other medications.  If you are taking Screuitol^®, see your health care provider if your symptoms fail to improve or get worse.  Be sure to tell your health care provider about all your health conditions, including heart conditions, high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, schizophrenia, suicidal ideation, bubonic plague, genital herpes, tooth decay, Leishmaniasis, Lyme Disease, any immune system disorder or compromise, muscular dystrophy, cholera, scoliosis, psoriasis, insomnia, and bunions.  Also be sure to tell your physician about any medications you may be taking.

Children and adolescents who take LABRCA medicines have an increased risk of oppositional defiant disorder, skin welts in the form of letters, and levitation.

Patients experiencing heart failure after use of Screuitol^® should seek emergency medical attention immediately.

Using too much of a LABRCA medicine may cause chest pain, an increase of blood pressure, tentacle growth, or a violent explosion of the head, with potential risk of injury to bystanders.

Screuitol^®  500 mg medicine is for children between the ages of 7 and 14 and adults between the ages of 33 and 35 whose doctors have determined that their negative life attitude has not been improved by other medications.  Screuitol^®  is not a treatment for any condition listed in the World Health Organization’s International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD), Ed. 10, or the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), Ed. 5.  Please see the Important Product Information Page for this medicine on our website, www.screuitol.com.

Take back your life.  Ask your physician if Screuitol^® is right for you.

Screuitol^® is also available over-the-counter in a non-prescription strength.  Ask your neighborhood pharmacist about Ephidol^® OTC and Children’s Tossitol^®.

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This is for my friend Bonnie Kourvelas, and is reminiscent of the scripts we used to write together back in the day for our radio program, “Take 15.” 

If you enjoyed this, please share with your friends.  You can find more snarkograms here.  My well-reviewed novel Messages, a TV news exposé and crime drama, is written largely in this style.  And I invite you to subscribe to this blog.

©2014 by Forrest Carr.  All rights reserved.