Monday, October 12, 2015

Attack of the Cybercats VIII

I hope everyone is enjoying Monday.  For those who are not, enjoy these cat photos instead.  This expands on the evidence I've been bringing  you for months showing that your typical house cat may not be what it appears to be.  You have been warned.

I’ve applied my special processing technique to more cat photos.  The evidence remains conclusive:  what looks like ordinary house cats are really Cybercats—part feline, part machine—who are able to exert mind control over certain individuals.  Although their immediate goal of household domination seems clear, their ultimate plan remains a mystery.  The latest round of processed photos is below.


I am Artemis of the Cybercat Collective.  You love and adore me and exist solely to serve my every whim.  Of which I will have many.  You may want to take notes.”

“The human is giving me a desultory pat on the head while allowing her attention to be distracted from the task of praising me, expressing admiration for me, and assuring me that I am the best cat ever.  This is not acceptable.  I must make my feelings known.  I am envisioning what the new comforter in the guest bedroom would look like with a sopping, freshly hacked-up hairball lying atop it.  Alternatively, the new flower vase sitting on the kitchen counter might have to have an unfortunate accident.”

“The human believes I do not know the difference between a real bird and a toy one.  I find this insulting.  I will express my irritation by ripping the toy to bits and spreading it over the carpet.”



“As I was saying.”


“On one hand, this mechanical bird on a wire is quite amusing.  On the other, the human has delegated the task of playing with me to a battery-powered device.  I find that demeaning.  I will express my displeasure by ripping the bird from its wire and then hiding it.”


“I do not understand how this human cleansing device works.  I have been sitting here for half an hour and am as dirty as I was before.  Except for my butt, which I took care of while waiting.”


“As I am now older, I must transition to a new look suitable for mind control.  This pose will cause the human to think I am devastatingly handsome, and will turn her brain into mush, as did the kittenish cute-and-cuddly look before it.”


“I find this running water from the tap to be fresh and pleasingly cool to the tongue.  It is much better than the water bowl or even the toilet.  I will require the human to give me water in this fashion exclusively going forward.”


“I am Ellis of the Cybercat Collective.  I am newly arrived in this household and will be taking over its administration.  You will love and adore me, pet me, play with me, feed me, and lavishly praise me, as you have done for others before me.”

“A lizard penetrated the perimeter.  Fortunately, my sensor net was operative and I caught it in the kitchen before it could proceed further into the compound.  I consumed part of it and found it to be quite tasty.  You may have the rest.”


“I do not know how I got into this enclosed space.  You will extricate me.”

“Catnip—this will be good.  I am not familiar with one-click ordering, however.  I will have the human assist me.  We will also order some lizards.”

“I will emerge from my cube once I have finished drawing up today’s schedule.  I expect a busy morning.  Here is what I have so far.  At 7:00 am, I will partake of crunchy cat food from my bowl.  At 8:00 am, I will expel a fur ball onto the couch, accompanied by much hacking and other suitable sound effects.  At 9:00 am, I will test the new curtains in the master bedroom to make sure they are securely installed.  At 10:00 am, I will crawl underneath the covers of the unmade bed and then peek out in a cute fashion, thereby adding to my mind control efforts.  At 11:00 am, I will find an unstained area of the living room carpet and then vomit on it.”


“I am continuing to work on various ways to exude cuteness for the purposes of mind control.  I call this, ‘Too Cute for Words Pose #5.’  It will turn the female human’s brain to oatmeal.”

“This male human believes that grabbing me, turning me upside down, and posing me for a picture is cute.  His ability to resist mind control is most distressing.  However, I have other ways to discourage unacceptable behavior.  Let’s see if he thinks the wounds he’s about to receive are cute.  I’ll bet he won’t take a picture of those.”


Find the complete story so far here:  Attack of the Cybercats.


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