I’ve
applied my special processing technique to more cat photos. The evidence remains conclusive: what looks like ordinary house cats are
really Cybercats—part feline, part machine—who are able to exert mind control
over certain individuals. Although their
immediate goal of household domination seems clear, their ultimate plan remains
a mystery. The latest round of processed
photos is below.
“I
am Artemis of the Cybercat Collective.
You love and adore me and exist solely to serve my every whim. Of which I will have many. You may want to take notes.”
“The
human is giving me a desultory pat on the head while allowing her attention to
be distracted from the task of praising me, expressing admiration for me, and
assuring me that I am the best cat ever.
This is not acceptable. I must
make my feelings known. I am envisioning
what the new comforter in the guest bedroom would look like with a sopping,
freshly hacked-up hairball lying atop it.
Alternatively, the new flower vase sitting on the kitchen counter might
have to have an unfortunate accident.”
“The
human believes I do not know the difference between a real bird and a toy
one. I find this insulting. I will express my irritation by ripping the
toy to bits and spreading it over the carpet.”
“As
I was saying.”
“On
one hand, this mechanical bird on a wire is quite amusing. On the other, the human has delegated the
task of playing with me to a battery-powered device. I find that demeaning. I will express my displeasure by ripping the
bird from its wire and then hiding it.”
“I
do not understand how this human cleansing device works. I have been sitting here for half an hour and
am as dirty as I was before. Except for
my butt, which I took care of while waiting.”
“As
I am now older, I must transition to a new look suitable for mind control. This pose will cause the human to think I am
devastatingly handsome, and will turn her brain into mush, as did the kittenish
cute-and-cuddly look before it.”
“I
find this running water from the tap to be fresh and pleasingly cool to the
tongue. It is much better than the water
bowl or even the toilet. I will require
the human to give me water in this fashion exclusively going forward.”
“I
am Ellis of the Cybercat Collective. I
am newly arrived in this household and will be taking over its
administration. You will love and adore
me, pet me, play with me, feed me, and lavishly praise me, as you have done for
others before me.”
“A
lizard penetrated the perimeter.
Fortunately, my sensor net was operative and I caught it in the kitchen
before it could proceed further into the compound.
I consumed part of it and found it to be quite tasty. You may have the rest.”
“I
do not know how I got into this enclosed space.
You will extricate me.”
“Catnip—this
will be good. I am not familiar with
one-click ordering, however. I will have
the human assist me. We will also order
some lizards.”
“I
will emerge from my cube once I have finished drawing up today’s schedule. I expect a busy morning. Here is what I have so far. At 7:00 am, I will partake of crunchy cat
food from my bowl. At 8:00 am, I will expel
a fur ball onto the couch, accompanied by much hacking and other suitable sound
effects. At 9:00 am, I will test the new
curtains in the master bedroom to make sure they are securely installed. At 10:00 am, I will crawl underneath the
covers of the unmade bed and then peek out in a cute fashion, thereby adding to
my mind control efforts. At 11:00 am, I
will find an unstained area of the living room carpet and then vomit on it.”
“I
am continuing to work on various ways to exude cuteness for the purposes of
mind control. I call this, ‘Too Cute for
Words Pose #5.’ It will turn the female human’s
brain to oatmeal.”
“This
male human believes that grabbing me, turning me upside down, and posing me for a picture is cute. His ability
to resist mind control is most distressing.
However, I have other ways to discourage unacceptable behavior. Let’s see if he thinks the
wounds he’s about to receive are cute.
I’ll bet he won’t take a picture of those.”
###
Find the complete story so far here: Attack of the Cybercats.
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