Dispatches
from the Future
June
7, 2020
LOS
ANGELES (Gloomberg News) – Attorneys representing 27 Hollywood studios and
independent movie production companies sought protection Monday in United
States Idea Bankruptcy Court. The
action, filed under Chapter 13 of the U.S. Idea Bankruptcy Code, allows the
studios to seek reorganization for their ideas.
The
law is designed to allow artists, writers, and producers to continue their projects
under court administration pending the outcome of the case. However, an attorney for the producers stated
that production will stop for now on several motion pictures already underway.
“We’re
past the tipping point,” said Ahgrabda Bighwahd, an attorney for the
group. “The producers have decided to
hold in place until we can come up with some betters ideas.”
Over
the past three decades, Hollywood filmmakers have relied increasingly on
sequels, prequels, reboots, and remakes of past hits. But revenue has been declining, and
blockbusters have become increasingly rare.
“Formulas
that used to work have lost their fizz,” Bighwahd said. “We need to re-energize the whole
process.” The lawyer said executives
have been thinking about the move for more than a year, but that the failure of
Friday the 13th: The Absolute We Swear to God We Really Mean
It This Time Final Chapter was the last straw. The picture only earned back about 25% of its
estimated $1.1 billion budget.
“Something
had to give,” Bighwahd said. “And now it
has.”
Not
every producer contacted by Gloomberg News agreed with the filing or
participated in it. “I don’t know what critics
want from us,” said Seymour Phlopz, CEO of Miralax Films. “It costs a lot to make a movie these days,
and investors are very demanding. Who
wants to gamble on a script no one’s ever heard of?”
Among
the projects now in limbo because of the idea bankruptcy filing are:
Global Warming on the Planet of
the Apes
Great Grandson of Steel
Great Grandson of Steel
Captain America Winters in
Sarasota
Batman: The Dark Knight’s Cholesterol Rises
Star Wars XI: The Arthritis Menace (note: introduces a new type of Imperial Walker)
Hairless Potter and the Goblet of
Geritol
The Hobbit Returns Yet Another Additional
Time
X-Men: The Quest for Viagra
Thor VI: Attack of the Shingles
Amazed and Confused
Spiderman: Lost at the Mall
Godzilla and the Monstrous
Hoveround
The Bourne Redundancy
The Andromeda Hernia
Predawn of the Dead
King Kong and the Gastric Bypass
The Last Remake of Beau Geste (remake
of 1977 movie of same name)
The Still Fairly Fast and Irritated
The Day the Earth Stood and
Fidgeted
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Melanoma
Star Trek: The Generation after That
Amityville: The Really True Actual Beginning
James Bond: The Centenarian Who Loved Me
Indiana Jones and The Temple of
Assisted Living
In
the court proceedings, a judge will assign a fan representative to consider new
ideas and inject fresh thinking into the movie making process. “What we need is a reboot,” Bighwahd said,
and then added, “Wow. There’s that word again.”
###
If you like this brand of humor,
check out my Snarkograms page—and also my novel, Messages, which applies this same
treatment to the TV news industry (and is inspired by actual events).
©2014 by Forrest Carr. All rights reserved.
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